Happy New Year! As a new year begins and we leave 2020 behind, it’s time for my annual NFL playoff predictions. This post will focus on the Wild Card games; future posts will predict the outcomes of the Divisional and Championship games, and eventually the Super Bowl.
Let’s go.
First round byes
#1 Tennessee Titans
#1 Green Bay Packers
AFC
#2 Kansas City Chiefs vs. #7 Pittsburgh Steelers
TONIGHT, ON DAYS OF OUR STEELERS
Okay, perhaps that’s slightly jumping the gun. The Steelers have endured a shaky season, beginning with a 1-3 start, tying with the winless Detroit Lions, and stumbling into a playoff spot at the absolute last second. But all that matters is that they made it. Close, but they made it. The light at the end of the tunnel, the playoffs, beckons them.
Oh.
Never mind, the light at the end of the tunnel is just the high-speed train known as the Kansas City Chiefs.
Prediction: Chiefs win, 42-14.
Result: Chiefs win, 42-21.
Comments after the game:
TONIGHT, ON DAYS OF OUR STEELERS
ALL THIS BECAUSE THE RAIDERS REJECTED CHAOS.
WAS IT WORTH IT?
THE BELLS OF BIG BEN FALL SILENT ON THIS NIGHT.
***
#3 Buffalo Bills vs. #6 New England Patriots
What’s the deal with the Bills? This is a team that defeated the Chiefs, but then scored only six points against the Jacksonville Jaguars. All but two of their losses are playoff teams. And yet the Bills enter the playoffs enter the playoffs with some momentum with a four-game winning streak.
The same deal applies to the Patriots – win seven in a row, then drop three of their last four. Consistently strong or consistently poor, no middle ground. True, one of those games was a 50-10 rout, but it was over the Jaguars.
It’s another year, and the Bills want that coveted first Super Bowl, while the Patriots want to resurrect the dynasties of the 2000s and the 2010s. This will be a close one.
Prediction: Bills win, 31-28.
Result: Bills win, 47-17.
Comments after the game:
We have some stunning live footage of Josh Allen:
And the Patriots?
Ouch.
Total demolition. By far the most spectacular destruction of the Patriots in recent memory. On this frigid night in Buffalo, the Patriots were utterly destroyed, incinerated, obliterated, annihilated. Any number of words could describe this utter demolition. The Patriots have never been the same since the Snooze Bowl win over the Rams three years ago.
And fans of all other NFL teams will respond to the destruction of the Patriots with a simple:
***
#4 Cincinnati Bengals vs. #5 Las Vegas Raiders
Long time, no see, Cincinnati. Seven years since you last made the playoffs, thirty years since your last playoff victory. And you took the division by upsetting the Chiefs? Most impressive. But that isn’t important right now. One moment, please, I need a word with the Raiders.
YOU HAVE FAILED US, RAIDERS. ABSOLUTELY FAILED. THE CHAOS MEMES WOULD HAVE FUELED THE INTERNET FOR GENERATIONS. BUT NO, YOU JUST HAD TO KICK THAT FIELD GOAL. YOU WERE TOO SCARED OF THE CHIEFS. YOU HAVE FAILED.
YOU.
HAVE.
FAILED.
Anyway. True, the Raiders have won four in a row. None of those
teams are in the playoffs. As such, the Raiders shall suffer the consequences of enraging
the meme lords.
Prediction: Bengals win, 34-21.
Result: Bengals win, 26-19.
Comments after the game:
RAIDERS, THIS IS THE PENALTY FOR BETRAYING THE MEME LORDS. FOR DENYING US INFINITE CHAOS MEMES, YOU HAVE SUFFERED DEFEAT AND HANDED THE BENGALS THEIR FIRST PLAYOFF WIN IN THREE DECADES.
BE GONE.
NFC
#2 Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. #7 Philadelphia Eagles
Welcome to Tom Brady vs. the Philadelphia Eagles 2: The Reckoning! Even in the 2020s, Tom Brady looks as dangerous as ever. The reigning Super Bowl champions want to follow in the footsteps of their NHL brothers, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and win a second straight championship.
The Eagles, meanwhile, are…here. The Eagles ended their regular season with an utterly embarrassing rout against the Cowboys. Just enough momentum to make the playoffs, only to spectacularly fail in the regular season finale. Momentum? Hardly.
The Tom Brady Show will not end during the Wild Card weekend.
Prediction: Buccaneers win, 35-17.
Result: Buccaneers win, 31-15.
Comments after the game:
As expected.
Join us next week for another thrilling episode of the Tom Brady Show!
***
#3 Dallas Cowboys vs. #6 San Francisco 49ers
Behold, the Dallas Cowboys. By far one of the greatest threats in the NFC with over 100 points scored in their last three games, posting over fifty points in two of them. Dak Prescott is having the best season of his career, and the Cowboys look ready to go on a major playoff run.
That said, the 49ers are a threat, the potential dark horse from the NFC West. After a shaky start, the 49ers have been quietly working towards the playoffs while the spotlight was focused on their NFC West counterparts in the Cardinals and Rams. Injuries have plagued the team, however. Should anything flare up during the game, the 49ers risk going one and done.
If an upset happens, this could be where it happens. But if if the Cowboys maintain their relentless firepower, forget about it.
Prediction: Cowboys win, 34-24.
Result: 49ers win, 23-17.
Comments after the game:
And now, a summary of the Dallas Cowboys this game:
What a mess!
Endless penalties and a sluggish offense all culminates in a disastrous final play that abruptly ends the Cowboys season. Hail Mary? Nah, let's just run it a few yards up the field and let time expire. That should do it! Or not.
What were they thinking?
***
#4 Los Angeles Rams vs. #5 Arizona Cardinals
Behold, the (first?) battle of the NFC West these playoffs. In this corner, we have the Arizona Cardinals, who went from an impressive 7-0 start to losing six of their last ten! They were flying high, and they’re flying right into the mouth of a hungry cat.
The Rams, meanwhile, also had a strong 7-1 start, but a rough November threw things into doubt. But the Rams capitalized by winning five of their last six games and won the NFC West, so this year’s Super Bowl venue will also get at least a Wild Card game.
This should be a relatively spirited affair, but the Cardinals
have run out of steam. That agonizing last-minute interception against the Packers started all this.
Prediction: Rams win, 28-21.
Result: Rams win, 34-11.
Comments after the game:
From 7-0 to one and done. The Cardinals were finished before halftime.
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