2023-24 NFL Playoff Predictions (Part 3 - Championship)

Welcome to part 3 of my 2023-24 NFL playoff predictions! Three for four on my Divisional picks, same as last year. And now, let's get into the Championship predictions.

Only four remain, and there are now four possible Super Bowl LVIII match-ups:

Baltimore Ravens vs. San Francisco 49ers

Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions

Kansas City Chiefs vs. San Francisco 49ers

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Detroit Lions

But which two teams will face off in Las Vegas?

Let's find out.

AFC

#1 Baltimore Ravens vs. #3 Kansas City Chiefs

Two unstoppable juggernauts are about to collide with enough destructive power to level the Eastern Seaboard.

On the one side, you have the powerhouse Baltimore Ravens, a team that finally won a Divisional game and conquered its fear of the AFC Championship for the first time in a decade. All the Divisional games were fights to the bitter end, save one: the Ravens against the Texans. The Ravens showed no mercy to the Texans and won by three scores, a blowout on any day. Between their defense with more strength than the Hoover Dam and a rushing attack with more ferocity than a cavalry charge, the Ravens look nearly unstoppable.

Nearly.

Only one team could possibly hope to stop this cannonball on fire: the Kansas City Chiefs. The one-two lethal attack of Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce is like an ICBM - once launched, unstoppable. Even the running game has become a viable plan of attack for the Chiefs. They will need every conceivable weapon firing at maximum to overcome the most dangerous threat they have encountered in years. Mahomes can get it done, but can he get it done against a team like this?

Prediction: Ravens win, 38-28.

Result: Chiefs win, 17-10.

Comments after the game:

The Ravens strategy of playing like those blunder segments in infomercials did not work out well.

~

NFC

#1 San Francisco 49ers vs. #3 Detroit Lions

The titan and the dark horse meet at last.

The 49ers are once again back in the NFC Championship for the seventh time since the 2011 season. Their powerhouse roster hungers for the Lombardi Trophy, a prize the 49ers have not won in nearly thirty years. All those recent deep playoff runs and nothing to show for it. Sometime, somehow, this drought must end. Perhaps. Fresh off a narrow victory over the upstart Green Bay Packers, the 49ers need a decisive win if they wish to stand against the powerhouses of the AFC. A healthy squad is essential for a 49ers victory - but Deebo Samuel's injury looms above them. Another injury to Purdy or McCaffrey would dash any hopes of victory. 

But perhaps their most dangerous threat is not the injury bug, but the dark horse charging into Santa Clara: the Detroit Lions. The Lions haven't tasted success like this in thirty years, and thrilling victories over the Los Angeles Rams and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have only left them hungering for more. Jared Goff, once the unfortunate losing quarterback of the most insomnia-curing Super Bowl in history, now leads an exciting team that seeks to defy all odds and stamp a ticket to Las Vegas.

Every game the Lions have played has been a thriller to the bitter end, and even the 49ers had to fight to the last minute against the Packers. Why should this game be any different? Purdy against Goff, McCaffrey against Gibbs, they will fight in an NFC Championship for the ages.

And the result? Shocking.

Prediction: Lions win, 34-31.

Result: 49ers win, 34-31.

Comments after the game:

You had every chance, Lions. And what did you do instead?

2023-24 NFL Playoff Predictions (Part 2 - Divisional)

Welcome to part 2 of my 2023-24 NFL playoff predictions! Four for six on my Wild Card predictions. Not bad.

Let's roll.

AFC

#1 Baltimore Ravens vs. #4 Houston Texans

The Baltimore Ravens have one objective: destroy everything in their path en route to the Super Bowl. The Ravens have bowled through nearly all opposition this season, and when they did lose, the margin of defeat was never more than one score. Above all, the Ravens defense strikes fear into the hearts of all offenses, sacking quarterbacks and forcing turnovers without mercy. All that said, there is one glaring problem with the Ravens: their frustrating habit of imploding in the postseason. Their impressive 14-2 run in 2019 ended with darkness there, and nothing more.

Enter the Houston Texans. Fresh off their stunning and methodical demolition of the Cleveland Browns, CJ Stroud and the Texans seek to overcome their own postseason nemesis: the Divisional round. Much as the Cowboys have spent years failing to get past the Divisional round, the Texans have never won a Divisional playoff game. 

It's a matter of who will be the first to slay their own playoff demons.

Prediction: Ravens win, 28-14.

Result: Ravens win, 34-10.

Comments after the game:

The Texans had no answer for either the Ravens ironclad defense or the monster truck that is the Ravens ground attack. Quoth the Raven...

*** 

#2 Buffalo Bills vs. #3 Kansas City Chiefs

Behold, the most anticipated game of the playoffs so far. The Bills are eager for revenge, while the Chiefs are hoping to defeat the Bills for the third time in the 2020s. There is, however, one major twist: Patrick Mahomes faces unfamiliar territory as he must now play his first ever road playoff game (Super Bowls are considered neutral sites). The roar of Arrowhead will not be there to help him. Instead, Mahomes must face the roaring, vengeful crowds of Buffalo. If Mahomes has an AT-AT on hand, it might help navigate the endless blizzards Buffalo seems to experiencing this winter.

Home field and home blizzard advantage may be the factors Josh Allen and the Bills need to finally defeat Mahomes and the Chiefs. It won't be easy, though. The Bills have one path to revenge, and there is no room for errors or turnovers. Prepare for a war in the snow.

Prediction: Bills win, 35-34.

Result: Chiefs win, 27-24.

Comments after the game:

The most horrifying words for any Bills fan:

WIDE RIGHT

~

NFC

#1 San Francisco 49ers vs. #7 Green Bay Packers 

The Packers defied all odds and humiliated, demolished, and annihilated the Dallas Cowboys last weekend. Their reward? A trip to California to visit their most hated playoff rival, the San Francisco 49ers. The Packers have lost every playoff matchup against the 49ers since the 2001 season. Aaron Rodgers never had any luck against the 49ers, but what about Jordan Love? The Packers never faced the 49ers in the regular season, so there's no telling how Jordan Love will respond to the fearsome juggernaut of the NFC West.

On the other side, the 49ers are the clear favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, but their health is their worst enemy. Lest we forget last year's NFC Championship, when the 49ers roster became an infirmary and destroyed any hopes of a Super Bowl appearance. This time, however, the 49ers are healthy. Even an energized Packers team is unlikely to overcome a powerhouse with the likes of Purdy and McCaffrey in good health.

Prediction: 49ers win, 35-21.

Result: 49ers win, 24-21.

Comments after the game:

We have stunning live footage of the most hated food in Green Bay, Wisconsin:

Two costly interceptions and a brutal missed field goal dashed hopes of another shocking Packers upset.  

In the playoffs, the Packers simply cannot solve the 49ers. Whether it's Rodgers or Love, the Packers can't breach the 49er brick wall.

*** 

#3 Detroit Lions vs. #4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Lions-Rams thriller was easiest the best of all the Wild Card games - amid a sea of lopsided victories, the Lions needed every second to win a playoff game for the first time in decades. Jared Goff and the Lions offense delivered when it mattered, but the Lions defense bent a bit too much and allowed the Rams to keep pace until the bitter end. Still, the Lions defense prevented the Rams from scoring a single red zone touchdown, and that was how the Lions ultimately survived. 

The Buccaneers, meanwhile, are fresh from their coup de grâce against the hapless Philadelphia Eagles. Baker Mayfield and the Bucs delivered an excellent performance but against a team everyone knew was about to crash and burn. A win over the Lions would be a commanding statement, but the Lions have tasted victory and hunger for more.

Prediction: Lions win, 28-24.

Result: Lions win, 31-23.

Comments after the game:

Another week, another thriller, and another Lions playoff victory. The Lions are the real deal. Their toughest battle so far awaits them: a visit to Santa Clara to face the San Francisco 49ers for the NFC Championship.

 

2023-24 NFL Playoff Predictions (Part 1 - Wild Card)

Happy New Year! As 2024 kicks off, it's time for my annual NFL playoff predictions. This post will focus on the Wild Card games. Future posts will predict the outcomes of the Divisional and Championship games, and eventually the Super Bowl.

Let's roll.

First round byes

#1 Baltimore Ravens

#1 San Francisco 49ers

AFC

#2 Buffalo Bills vs #7 Pittsburgh Steelers

For the first twelve weeks of the season, the Bills were in freefall, a far cry from their dominant regular season last year. It seemed as if the Super Bowl window had truly slammed shut. One bye week later, the Bills went on a five game winning streak and once again solidfied their place atop the AFC East. Josh Allen just needs to watch the turnovers. No room for mistakes like that in the playoffs.

As for the Steelers? They made the playoffs after a late surge, but at what cost? TJ Watt is out injured, and that alone brings the entire Steelers defense into question.

Like sand through the hourglass, the Bills will deliver unto us the Days of Our Steelers.

Prediction: Bills win, 42-14.

Result: Bills win, 31-17.

Comments after the game:

 

TONIGHT, ON DAYS OF OUR STEELERS

YINZERS SEEK THE NEAREST LIQUOR AS STEELERS AIN'T GAHNTA SUPAH BOWL

***

#3 Kansas City Chiefs vs #6 Miami Dolphins

The Chiefs seek to defend their Super Bowl title and will begin their playoff journey by sharing with the Dolphins the misfortune of playing in Canadian weather, eh? Maybe Patrick Mahomes will make a snowman or two – they could still catch better than some of his wide receivers.

Anyway, the Chiefs enter these playoffs with hopes of going to back-to-back Super Bowls for the second time since Super Bowls LIV and LV. The team remains a potent force, though since the bye week they have been 4-4, with three losses at Arrowhead Stadium. Mahomes is the key to all this, but his wide receivers need to avoid the dreaded butterfingers. Dropping crucial passes would be the fastest way to a shocking one-and-done.

The Dolphins, meanwhile, are all over the place. This is a team that unleashed seventy points on the Broncos but then coughed up forty-eight points and fifty-six points to the Bills and Ravens, respectively. Which version of the Dolphins will we receive on Wild Card weekend? The high-octane powerhouse capable of threatening long-standing NFL records, or the impotent failure that collapses under a gentle breeze? Judging by the injury list, it bodes ill for the Dolphins...

Prediction: Chiefs win, 28-20.

Result: Chiefs win, 27-7.

Comments after the game:

Dolphins do not thrive in Canadian weather, as expected.

***

#4 Houston Texans vs #5 Cleveland Browns

This will be the story of two standout quarterbacks – the Texans rookie and the Browns veteran. CJ Stroud and Joe Flacco.

The turnaround has been remarkable for the Texans, who went from an appalling 3-13-1 last season to a solid 10-7 and a division title this season. Their division title was won in part thanks to the implosion of the Jaguars. The Texans have a good record, but it is not world-shattering. Their performance has been on and off all season, and they have the dubious misfortune of being one of two teams to lose to the abysmal Carolina Panthers. Expectations are not high for the Texans, but the playoffs are the best time for chaos and plot twists.

As for the Browns? Week 13 was their pivotal moment. Joe Flacco, the man who led the Ravens to their second Super Bowl victory, now embarks on a redemption arc for the ages. The Browns have never made it to a Super Bowl – a Browns Super Bowl run would be the stuff of legends. Such a run would take the sting out of the appalling Watson contract. The Browns will regret that contract for years to come.

In this battle of rookie vs veteran, the veteran will prevail.

Prediction: Browns win, 21-17.

Result: Texans win, 45-14.

Comments after the game:

The stunning live footage above is a recap of the Cleveland Browns today. What a disaster! The Browns held their own for most of the first half but fell swiftly off the rails and disintegrated in such spectacular fashion that even Wile E. Coyote would be shocked. The two pick sixes (HOT POCKETS!) in the third quarter marked the brutal end of the Joe Flacco redemption arc. A truly lost season for the Browns. That Watson contract will follow them for years to come.

As for the Texans, the rookie Stroud emerges victorious and leads his team to the Divisional round!

~

NFC

#2 Dallas Cowboys vs #7 Green Bay Packers

The Dallas Cowboys are the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NFL. Glorious victories from decades past, nothing but eternal misery in the years following. And just as the Leafs struggled for years to escape the first round, the Cowboys simply cannot get past the second round. Fortunately, the Cowboys are in the Wild Card round, and they’ve had plenty more luck in this round. Even better for them, they are a perfect 8-0 at home this season, the only team to accomplish such a feat.

For the post-Aaron Rodgers Green Bay Packers, this season has been quite mixed. They managed to string together a couple of three game winning streaks, but otherwise have struggled to maintain consistency through the season. A road game against the best home team this season is unlikely to bring any good fortune to the cheeseheads.

Prediction: Cowboys win, 41-14.

Result: Packers win, 48-32.

Comments after the game:

We turn now to stunning highlight footage of the Packers offense against the Cowboys defense:

Even the Browns don't feel so bad after witnessing that calamity in Arlington. A complete debacle for the Cowboys. Perfect home record? High expectations? All for nothing. Perhaps one of the most embarrassing NFL playoff defeats ever, up there with 43-8, 28-3, you name it. 

Even the Leafs with their endless playoff misery could never hope to match the horror unleashed upon the Cowboys today.

The Packers advance to the Divisional against their mortal playoff enemies: the San Francisco 49ers.

***

#3 Detroit Lions vs #6 Los Angeles Rams

“The Detroit Lions have won the division” is a sentence that has not been uttered in thirty years. Indeed, the Lions haven’t even won a playoff game since 1992. This is a Lions team that hungers for victory, but the path to that coveted Lombardi Trophy won’t be easy.

First, the Lions must face the dark horse of the NFC West – the Los Angeles Rams. The Rams haven’t drawn a whole lot of attention this season compared to other teams, but they’ve turned things around after a terrible 3-6 start. The Rams won seven of their last eight to secure a spot in the playoffs.

This will be a battle of who truly won the Stafford-Goff trade. It’s a matter of who wants it more.

Prediction: Lions win, 27-24.

Result: Lions win, 24-23.

Comments after the game:

A thriller for the history books. The Detroit Lions have won a playoff game for the first time since the 1991 season! It was a battle to the bitter end, with Stafford and Goff playing the games of their lives. But when the Rams entered the red zone, the Lions had a simple response:

The Rams settled for field goals when they needed touchdowns. And that is how the Lions advanced to the Divisional round for the first time in decades. Just think, when the Lions last won a playoff game, Windows 95 didn't exist, George H. W. Bush was President, and the Soviet Union had just collapsed. It's a been a long wait, but finally the Lions have achieved a playoff victory! 

***

#4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs #5 Philadelphia Eagles

What in the holy hell has happened to the Philadelphia Eagles? A year ago, the Eagles were flying high - an absolute powerhouse that bowled the NFC en route to a Super Bowl appearance.

A year later, the Eagles began the season like an armored train, continuing their powerhouse style with a dominant 10-1 record. The Eagles swiftly followed up their 10-1 record by losing five of their final six games. The armored train jumped the tracks and collided with a train carrying a dozen natural gas tanks, triggering an explosion so powerful and so fiery it warmed the hearts of every Yinzer.

Something in that overtime thriller against the Bills unleashed endless torment for the Eagles. Five of their final six games ended in losses, including two brutal lopsided losses to the 49ers and Cowboys. Starting strong and ending with an implosion. In an instant, the Yinzers feel a terrible sense of déjà vu from 2020.

The Buccaneers aren't that much more impressive, either. They are merely the sole survivors of the eternal turdnado that is the NFC South. Worse, through until the end of November, the Bucs were a dismal 4-7 – hardly a playoff contender, and nowhere near the discussions for Super Bowl contention. Fortunately, with a few key wins over their division rivals, the Bucs sail into the playoffs. The Bucs may well dodge the iceberg for now, but they can still see it looming in the night.

Prediction: Buccaneers win, 30-20.

Result: Buccaneers win, 32-9.

Comments after the game:

Just look at that stunning highlight footage of the Eagles! Complete disaster from start to finish. From 10-1 to one and done. An appalling collapse of a hugely promising season. Super Bowl contenders in no universe. 

The Buccaneers advance to the Divisional round to face the Lions!